11.725 Nerdy Side Effects of Becoming a Database Developer
The history of the nerd is a long and ignoble one. To begin, we need to be clear on the terminology, for there are wondrous differences between nerds, geeks, dorks, dweebs, and wads. It is the nerd, of course (Linnaean classification: Nerdus databasaeus), who rises from the Magic: The Gathering arena to stand triumphantly above the others by gaining successful employment as a database developer, software innovator, or other key player in today’s computer industry.
A Lexicon
A database developer is clearly the apogee of the life cycle of a nerd. But how do we differentiate that finely honed specimen from the others?
- Geek—The word geek began as circus sideshow slang to describe a person who earned a (very, very difficult) living biting live animals, but today means someone often lacking social graces and having an obsession with technology
- Dork—Dorks came on the scene circa 1967, and from that day to this, dorks lack any useful technical skills; they are greatly limited in intellect, and could not possibly handle the work of a database developer
- Dweebs—Much controversy brews around dweeb, for some authorities place its origin as 1968, while most authorities don’t really care
- Wads—History tells us that president Bill Clinton was instrumental in sealing an agreement involving the various wad factions, as detailed in The Onion’s 1999 impeccable reporting (yes, a complete joke); notably absent in any coverage of the Wad Accord is a mention of computer programming, database development, or the necessary undergraduate education required. This suggests, as at least zero historians have stated, that wads of any ilk cannot be nerds.
Database Developer Syndrome
An illness is defined as something whose cause is known; a syndrome is identifiable but its cause is unknown. This brings us to Database Developer Syndrome, which emerges, as best we can tell, from the excellent educations earned by these superheroes of the computing world. They have the uncanny powers to:
- Analyze business operations to extract maximum efficiency from existing and planned databases
- Evaluate how information systems—existing ones and future designs—will affect the business operations
- Install network hardware and software
- Design relational database management applications
- Troubleshoot information systems
Test Yourself
Database developers must have sharp minds, a keen eye for detail, and the ability to think logically. To learn if you have the early symptoms of Database Developer Syndrome, you can perform a self-examination in the privacy of your own domicile:
- You knew what "ignoble" meant—1 point
- You got the Linnaean classification reference—0.9 points
- You knew the database developer-loving company in Redmond, Washington—3.14 points
- You knew domicile is a synonym for home—½ point
- You recognized December 10, 1815 as the birthdate of Ada Lovelace, founder of scientific computing and considered by many to be the Mother of All Nerds—100 points
- You recognized "Keyser Söze" as a reference to an insanely talented database developer, and not just the character from the movie, The Usual Suspects—2 points
- If you added up your points as you went—pwned!
If you find that you have any of the side effects of becoming a database developer, you should seek professional assistance, in the form of a superior education, to nourish your inner nerd.
Become a Nerd: Earn a Degree in Database Development
To fast-track your nerdcentric ambitions, become a database developer by attending ECPI University. By enrolling in the year-round program to gain your Bachelor of Science Degree in Computer and Information Science with a concentration in Database Programming, you can emerge after 2.5 years with a degree, many of the basic side effects of a database developer, and a potentially bright future. Contact ECPI today to learn what the future may hold in store for you! It could be the Best Decision You Ever Make!
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